Thursday Thoughts...Lost Inside

As a crazy author some days, when you're trying to figure out the missing plot point or the next move, you get lost. (I'd have to ask a "sane" author about this but I suspect it's true for them as well ;-) Much of the time you get lost inside your own head. This happens to me more often than the dreaded "writer's block". I get turned around, lost in my own thoughts and feelings, swept up in the passion of scenes, be they my own or someone else's. I'm a passionate person by nature and I tend towards an addictive personality. Are you laughing? I know, it doesn't show a lot but that's because if I'm not careful, I get caught up in it and struggle to find my way out. The frustrations mount, the thoughts won't stop until I find some kind of release. I sought refuge with my sister yesterday trying to get out of my own head. I spent an hour with her, the thoughts settled and I was able to finish the day. Almost. Then came the time for bed. My worst enemy yet favored hero as well. Trying to shut my brain down for the night had me in tears. The thoughts screamed at me until I reached for my phone, opened the notepad app and began to type. Here are the resulting words...

Lost Inside
It's hot and dark
So dark nothing shines
Not a crack or crevice
No pinprick or sliver
I feel I'm turning in circles
Arms spread, searching for the way out
I call out and nothing answers
No reply, no echo
It's simply empty and dark
I'm lost and no matter how I scream
No matter how loud the music floating in
There is no answer until the tears start to fall
When my chest seizes and clamps down
When the sobs tear from me
The pressure releases
The light shines in
And the path is lit
I'll follow it through twists and turns
Until it begins to shadow
And we'll start all over again

I'm no poet, I never have been, but this felt right...I've not altered it in the light of day though I've got ideas. I cringe about putting it out there for the world (or my 11 followers ;-) to see without doing something to it but in this form, it's pure. It's what settled my head enough for the tears to stop and allowed sleep to slowly creep in. I think words from the heart are the best, whether they're rough or polished. I'll leave this in it's rough form because it worked. How do you find your way out of your own head?

Loves and Hugs,
Lynn

Thursday Thoughts...A long week of missing folks and a growing daughter...

This week has been a rough one for many reasons. First, I'm coming off a week of overnights for my company. I'm not a great sleeper anyway so to have to completely reverse my sleep habits for one week and then get them back on track is pretty brutal. My work team has had a rough go of it for several weeks due to being short staffed so they're tired and a bit cranky. We've almost made it though and now we're only one person away from being full staffed. It's a good thing.

On a personal level, it's been much more difficult. My best friend Sarah passed away four years ago on the 12th. We lost my grandmother twenty one years ago today. It hit me yesterday that despite the two events being seventeen years apart, they both still hurt as if they just happened. The capacity of feelings the heart can hold is astounding. The length if time it maintains those feelings is even longer. You may not think on those feelings all the time, but they're there, simmering in the background.

My daughter turns thirteen in just over a week and she's grown both physically and emotionally a lot in the last couple years. She's genuinely a good kid who just needs a quick kick in the butt once in a while to remind her the world exists outside her bubble...LOL. Her first day of daycare was her second day of kindergarten and she looked so lost and worried that when I said goodbye I surprised her by giving her three quick kisses on the lips, an Eskimo kiss and then one on the forehead I rubbed in so it wouldn't fall off. She thought that was funny and it became our thing much to the amusement of those around us.

This week was the first time she ever hesitated to do it at bed time. I tried to hide my surprise and hurt but didn't manage it too well. She felt bad and I had to assure her that it was okay, she was growing up and we didn't have to do that anymore. So it's a hug and a kiss on the cheek and Mommy has to get used to it. Time moves on and changes are made.

Everyone groans when they hear I have a preteen and wishes me luck, tells me not to kill her and so on. I've never appreciated those comments as I believe our children are what we teach them. Are there rough times ahead? Of course! We all rebel and feel our parents don't understand us but there can still be a solid relationship under that to see you through.

So the week is nearly done and I'm ready for the weekend. I'm picking what story I want to work next, self editing Legacy and getting ready for the Hot Mojave Knights Con the first weekend in October. It's exciting and nerve wracking as it's my first local con. I got this, and know it, but it doesn't ease the wait :0)
Have a fantastic rest of the week and a beautiful weekend!

-Lynn